Toxic Positivity: It’s Okay Not To Be Okay

It's fine when I feel fine. And, it's okay not to feel okay. 

 There are tons of memes, whatsapp messages and Instagram posts around power of positivity, body positivity and then I am also watching a pushback from people calling this too much of positivity as toxic and wondering who is actually benefiting from it- their mental health or the industry of Instagram influencers, self help gurus and motivational speakers built around the  power of positivity & body positivity? Because a recent Washington Post article quotes psychologists calling out excessive positivity during times of emotional hardships not only unhelpful but downright toxic. This raises four questions: 

1.  What is toxic positivity? 

2. Is our practice of toxic positivity hurting our friends?

3. Are we hurting ourselves and our self development? 

4. How can we address negative feelings without falling into toxic positivity?

That's what you and I are going to discuss today and we will discuss it from the point of view of yoga.

What is Toxic Positivity : 

"But look at bright sight", "Just focus on what you have", "It could be worse", The experts calling this forced positivity toxic. According to them, this trend of ‘good vibes only’ is Not only unhelpful but downright toxic. And no they are not negating the power of positivity, but saying that when our only coping mechanism to every situation is to put a positive spin on it and not to dwell on the negative that's toxic positivity. In yoga the definition is much simpler. Yoga says, anything that's compulsive is toxic and anything that's conscious is beneficial to us. So while yoga agrees with the power of positivity it also adds that we must know the difference being consciously or compulsively positive. Being compulsively positive is  like being too lazy to break free from a junk lifestyle and selling it as body positivity. Just that we are doing it to our minds. Worse, we are hurting our loved ones in the process.

Is our Toxic Positivity hurting our friends?

It takes courage to be vulnerable in front of someone, sharing our fear, failure and even shame and when a friend does that in front of us and our response is… But look at the bright side! Why don't you focus on the positive? But you have so much to be grateful for? Why don't you start a gratitude journal? When we say this to a friend who is struggling with negative emotions, we are invalidating their feelings. When we are saying “It's fine” or  “it will be fine”, we are shutting the possibility of any contemplation on the topic, we are not helping our friend in addressing  the problem, we are preventing our friend from working on their issues?

Are we hurting your mental health with our Toxic Positivity?

Why are we doing this? Because we do it to ourselves also. No, I am not talking about the times when we are genuinely positive and upbeat. I am talking about the times when we force ourselves to pretend that we are in an upbeat and positive mood when it's not there naturally. I am talking about times when there's a problem that legitimately needs to be addressed but doing so will lead to distress so we distract ourselves with positive memes or Instagram posts or listening to a motivational podcast. Instead of taking an action we fake an action. And it's not our fault because some entrepreneurs out there have created a culture which says that positivity is an attractive behavior. Smiling face is a pretty face. So we fake positivity to come across as a well adapted person. This doesn't solve our problem. There's a psychological research that people who compulsively deny, minimize or invalidate their negative feelings end up feeling worse than those who accept their emotional state.

So accept your emotions that's more effective way of coping with them. As Rumi says, “These pains that you feel are messages, listen to them.” 

How to deal with emotional hardships without falling in the trap of Toxic Positivity or Mental distress?

Now this acceptance could be tricky. What if we start wallowing that state and self pity, hello depression, OCD, anxiety…Or what if connecting with our pain or addressing our negative feeling is so stressful we don't want to deal with them? Then what to do? How to walk on the slippery slope of emotional acceptance? Yoga has the answer, it's one word - Samatvam. Cultivating even mindedness in such a way that it promotes an inward tranquility( Reference Gita & Ishvasya Upnishad). Imagine being in a situation which triggers stress or negativity in you, in that situation instead of forcing positivity upon ourself we genuinely operate from a state of even minded Ness and instead of feeling negative or forcing positivity we operate from a place of tranquility? Wouldn't that be wonderful? This will need practice, a practice that we need to do daily so that in the moment of negative emotion, in the moment when you need it, you have it- the tranquility of samatvam.. 

How to practice Samatvam?

How to practice this Samatvam, this even mindedness which promotes an inner tranquility?

If you want to cultivate this even mindedness the best way to that is to daily take some time out to evaluate your feelings? What are my triggers? What makes me feel positive and what makes me feel negative? And then attempt, it won't happen in day one, but keep trying to attempt to have an equal attitude of benevolence, of love, of compassion towards yourself in both the states, when you're feeling positive and when you're not so upbeat? Appreciate yourself for trying to attain Samatvam and end the practice by telling yourself- It's fine when I feel fine and it's okay not to be okay.

 

My therapist asked me stop my antidepressants : What should I do?

 This is a question that I often get: Psychiatrist prescribes antidepressants to their client and over years increase the dosage, when the client sees a counselor,  the counselor asks- But why is your psychiatrist constantly increasing your dosage? You must cut your dependency on medication. This leaves the person all confused and then some well meaning friend or a family member says - Why don't you try yoga? And, that's how I get know this story. Because the person tells me and asks- What should I do?  

This often happens to me. Now, as a certified counselor, I am certified to counsel not to prescribe medicines. I have not studied medicines. Then, how am I qualified to comment on it? So, I draw from my other qualification as a yogi and offer two questions instead:

Why two questions?

I can understand the pushback a client feels when asked to stop medication. It's confusing to have contradictory opinions. One wonders who is benefiting from these - my mental health or their business? And, we must respect other person's opinion especially when that opinion is from a qualified expert. However, respecting doesn't mean following. We can consider everyone, respect every view point and use it form our own point of view and then follow that. Here's my point of view on the subject that has served me well and my clients.

My POV:

Being positive isn't enough. Being positive shouldn't be unproductive to. We must do something about it. What we do about it must pass following tests :

The Two Questions :

1. Is my choice of method productive: Is my condition actually improving? Is it leading me to a point where I can close this chapter and move on or it is establishing me in a continuum - like a hamster on a wheel - where I am continously working.

 'Battling depression' is an empowering  phrase but is it what we want our lives to be? A battle? If we are constantly in a fight when we will have to sit back, enjoy, rejoice and create something meaningful, something fulfilling  with our lives? Don't we deserve a fulfilled life?

2. Are the results offered my method sustainable : Imagine you have a stomach bug. You take medicine for it and you feel relief. The minute the effects of that medicine wear off, you relapse. So the doctor increases the dose and this goes on and goes on. What will you do? Will you stay in that loop or will you try to break that loop and find another method through which your stomach bug can be gone for good? If we consider our mental state as any other physical illness, then shouldn't it be treated that way?

I hope this helps you in decoding a formula that works best for you. Here's a link to a method that has served my clients well, in case you're interested, you can check out here: 

Metabolism Boost : Yoga Tips (Asanas and Pranayam)

Metabolism can get a boost in less than 10 minutes. Yes! Just take out 10 minutes daily to practice these 6 yoga tips. For the ease of remembering I call them 3-2-1 Yoga Routine. This will rev up your metabolism with visible results in just 21 days! Better news is that you will start feeling the difference in the first week itself. All you have to do is to follow this simple 3-2-1 method:

3 Asanas

2 Breathing Exercises, and 

1 Tip

According to researchers, our mental and emotional sufferings leave their metabolic mark on our body. Therefore, in this 3-2-1 method  I have incorporated Yoga based tools that not only boost up metabolism but sustains it by revving up our mental and emotional health.

So let's get to it. The three asanas that I have included are ones that anyone can do- Flexible and non- flexible ones. Young and old. I just asked myself that if I am suffering from high fever and intense body ache will I be able to perform these asanas from the coziness of my bed? These 3 asanas have passed this test and are safe to practice even during pregnancy and menstruation. These asanas not only work on our body but culture our mental elements in a way that corrects our habits of stress eating and binge eating .

Remember asanas are not ‘working-out’ but ‘chilling-out’ with the body (Sthir chir sukham - Patanjali Yogsutram). Therefore, to make these asanas effective, it is essential that we practice them as a form self expression which helps our body-mind complex to flow freely.

The Three Asanas 

1. Shava Udarakarshanasana: Strengthens abdominal muscles & burns extra fat tissue of omentum, keeps our mind peaceful and placid.

How to do it?

• Lie flat on the back with the legs and feet together. Stretch the arms out to the sides at shoulder level with the palms of the hands facing down.

• Bend the right leg and place the sole of the foot beside the left kneecap. Place the left hand on top of the right knee. This is the starting position.

• Gently bring the right knee down to the floor on the left side of the body, keeping the leg bent and the foot in contact with the left knee.

• Turn the head to the right, looking along the straight arm, and gaze at the middle finger of the right hand. The left hand should be on the right knee and the right arm and shoulder should remain in contact with the floor. In the final position, the head should be turned in the opposite direction to the folded knee and the other leg should be completely straight.

• Hold the position for as long as is comfortable.

• Return to the starting position, bringing the head and knee to the centre. Stretch the right arm out to the side and straighten the right leg.

• Repeat on the opposite side.

• Practise once to each side, gradually extending the holding time.

• Breathing: Inhale in the starting position. Exhale while pushing the knee to the floor and turning the head. Breathe deeply and slowly in the final position.

           Inhale while centring the body and exhale while straight- ening the leg.

• Awareness: On Manipur Chakra (Belly button)

2. Naukasanchalasana: Massages the abdominal organs and helps in mobilizing extra fat tissue stored around them. Speaking from the vocabulary of Tantra practice, this asana helps to eliminate energy blockage in the abdominal and pelvic region to release the power of Manipur Chakra (source of will power and self assertiveness, which governs not only our metabolism but our eating habits as well).

How to do it?

• Sit with both legs straight in front of the body.

• Imagine the action of rowing a boat.

• Clench the hands as though grasping oars, with the palms facing down.

• Breathe out and bend forward from the waist as far as is comfortable, straightening the arms.

• Breathing in, lean back as far as possible, drawing the hands back towards the shoulders.

• This is one round.

• The hands should make a complete circular movement in every round, moving up the sides of the legs and trunk. The legs should be kept straight throughout.

• Practise 5 to 10 rounds.

• Reverse the direction of the rowing movement as though going in the opposite direction.

             Practise 5 to 10 times.

• Breathing: Inhale while leaning back. Exhale while bending forward.

• Awareness: On the breath & movement.

3. Shashank-Bhujangasana: Helps in strengthening digestive and endocrine system, alleviates stress, anxiety and depression. 

How to do it :

• Assume Marjariasana, placing yhe palms flat on the floor beneath the shoulders about half-a-metre apart.

• Move into Shashankasana with the arms outstretched in front of the shoulders.

• Then, without moving the position of the hands, inhale and slowly move the chest forward, sliding it just above the floor until it is in line with the hands.

• Move the chest further forward and then upward, as the arms straighten, and lower the pelvis to the floor.

• Ideally, the nose and chest should just brush the surface of the floor as the body moves forward like the movement of a snake. Do not strain to achieve this.

• Try to bring the hips as near to the floor as possible.

• In the final position, the arms should be straight, the back arched and the head raised as in Bhujangasana. The navel does not touch the floor.

• Hold this position for a few seconds, retaining the breath.

• Exhale, slowly raise the buttocks and move backwards, keeping the arms straight, returning to Shashankasana.

• Do not try to reverse the previous movement but keep the arms straight. This is one round.

• Relax the whole body for a short time before starting another round.

• Practice 5 to 7 seconds.

• Note: Hand position should not change throughout the entire practice.

The Two Pranayams

1. As you sit down to eat (breakfast, lunch and dinner). Practice Suryabhedhan pranayama for 27 rounds. This pranayama increases the Jathagni- helps in digestion, absorption of food and elimination of food.

How to do it?

Sit with your spine straight. Shoulders rolled back. Awareness of breath. Eyes are closed. Close your left nostril with your middle finger. Inhale from the right nostril. Close the right nostril with your thumb, exhale from the left. Deep inhale, longer exhale. This is round one, do this 27 times.

2. Since Suryabhedhan increases the fire element in us, it is essential that we balance it with a calming pranayam, so that we sleep well. Chandrabhedan helps in this when practiced 27 rounds at the bedtime.

How to do it?

Sit with your spine straight. Shoulders rolled back. Awareness on breath and eyes closed.

Close your right nostril with your thumb. Inhale deeply from left. Close your left nostril with your middle finger. Exhale completely from right. This is round one. Do this for 27 rounds.

The one tip 

Eat only three times a day - breakfast, lunch and dinner. Anything other than water that goes in your mouth is a meal. Even infused water. (Water, normal water, please drink as much as you like, as often as you desire).

It is common sense that any work on metabolism will not be completely effective if we don't change the way we eat. The fact that you're seeking the way to improve metabolism is indicating that your current food habits are not serving you well. The most beneficial change that you can make is to follow a three meal plan. No snacking in between. Imagine, if you put a load in the washing machine  for cleaning and before the cycle is complete, you keep throwing more and more clothes in, what will happen? Let's treat our bodies with the same (if not more) respect that we give to a washing machine.

With a pandemic limiting our social life, there couldn't be a more conducive time to bring this change. Isn't it?

 

Overcome Toxic Self Criticism ( Be your best friend using this Yogic Process)

- by Kirti Tarang Pande 

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An experiment for our mental elements :

Do you criticize yourself? When was the last time you did it? This morning? Yesterday? Or, sometime back? Recollect that moment when you were critical of yourself. Go ahead, live that moment vividly in your mind. What was the cause of that criticism of self? What happened that made you criticize yourself?  Bring back that cause in your mind. Allow that memory to play in your mind with all its details. What were the words that you used to criticize yourself? Play those words again in your head. How are you feeling listening to those words, unpleasant or not unpleasant?

Inhale deeply, exhale and relax, let go of that memory.

Now, visualize your best friend in front of you. Someone you love and care about. Smile to your friend. Now visualize that your friend is in the same situation as you were when you criticised yourself. Recreate that scene, just in your place put your best friend there. Now, what will you say to your best friend? Will you use the same words? Are you criticizing your friend? Or are you listening to your friend in a calm compassionate manner? Are you undermining your friend or are saying that I trust you to fix it because I believe in you. Listen carefully to the words that you're saying to your best friend. Inhale deeply, exhale and relax.

Now, again recreate that memory. This time again it's you who is in the situation not your best friend. This time, instead of criticizing yourself use the same words that you used for your best friend. Words of trust and love . This time approach the situation in the same way as you did with your best friend: listen to yourself calmly and compassionately. How are you feeling in this moment- unpleasant or pleasant? Place your right hand on your heart, how is your heart beat right now? Inhale deeply, exhale and relax  completely.

Can you imagine how your life would be if you always operate from this place? Next time when you look in the mirror, inspecting yourself before an important event or date, if you talk to yourself the way you talk to your best friend, how would it feel like? What will be the after effects of that? Imagine next time you make a big mistake and its all your fault, in  that moment, you pause and say the things to yourself that you would say to your best friend in such a situation? Imagine the value it will add to your physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual well being.

Yogic Method of befriending our own self

Gita in Chapter 6, 5th verse says that uplift yourself, do not deprecate yourself because you're your only friend and your only enemy. Gita is an ancient Sanskrit text on tenets of yoga and it also shares the technique of how to uplift oneself to become our own best friend. This technique is something that I practice so that I can always be nice to myself and as a yoga instructor I have shared this technique with a number of my clients. This is a technique that my grandfather (and Yoga Guru), Shri Jagdish Chandra Upadhyaya taught me.

I was first introduced to it when I spilled a pot. My grandmother gave me that look and said, “You're lucky it was curd and not boiling milk, or else you would have burnt yourself". My grandfather, however, smiled at me lovingly and asked, “So what do we learn from this”? “Ummm… To mind our steps” I sheepishly answered. His smile just grew fonder and said, “To be like the pot of curd". Does it make sense to you? I didn't to me either, so he elaborated, allow me to expand that idea now:

This glass of water is sitting happily here & someone unmindful like me comes and knocks it over. What will happen? The water will spill. What if there was acid in it? The acid will spill. Situation, other people are just incidental, what comes out is what is inside of us. My grandfather said that I should become like a pot of curd. 

Curd is so soothing that it can calm down an elephant. Despite their size & strength, elephants are gentle beings, except that time of the year when the male elephant is on heat, it can go really wild and squash everything in sight. In such times, massaging his head with buttermilk really calms him down. 

Imagine if our entire being is full such a calming potion then no matter what they say, no matter what situation is, no matter how majorly we screw up, instead of saying you deserve it, you're stupid, you're worthless, why on earth would anyone love you, we say things to ourselves which are true, yet kind. Instead of deprecating ourselves, we will uplift ourself. Instead of acting like our own enemy we will act like our own best friend.

So what is this calming potion that we need to fill ourselves with? What is curd for our mental elements? If we circle back to Gita, we will find the answer written there, it's called Sattva. Gita doesn't just give us a buzzword # uplift yourself but also tells us how, by filling our being with Sattva.

Now what is this Sattva? Sattva is our innate quality to be blissful. The keyword here is innate. It is already inside of us. The more I look at my baby, the more convinced I get that Yogic Philosophy isn’t something we learn but something that we are born with and forget.

So, right now, yes, now you and I are going to do a small meditative exercise which has benefited me, my clients. We are going to do a small meditative exercise to learn to how connect with our Sattva, our innate tendency to be blissful. The goal is to nurture our inner bliss, allow it grow till it fills our entire being then irrespective of circumstances and other people we will always overflow with bliss. Irrespective of situation our inner voice will always make us feel blissful. So are you ready?

The Meditation :

The Takeaway:

Relax, how do you feel? Whatever you're feeling right now, it won't last, until we are regular with our practice for at least 90 days. Now how to be persistent with the practice? I would suggest 10 -2-1 method. If there's anything you want to takeaway from this session, allow it to be this : 10-2-1. Every morning ask yourself how much time do I have to hangout with myself ? After all, hanging out, sharing meaningful moments are the founding stones of any friendship that adds value to our well being. Then why befriending oneself be any different? Ask yourself how much time can I give to myself 10 minutes, 2 minutes or 1 minute? If you have 10 minutes, then I encourage you to do the meditation that we just did. If you have two minutes then use the Yogic tool called Svadhyaya  for this. We did it in the beginning of the session. We called it introspection, remember? Let's do it one more time. Just to get the hang of it. Come on do it, right now with me. Sit straight, roll your shoulders back. Hands on knees, palms facing upwards. Inhale, relax. Inhale, relax deeply, inhale relax completely.  Recreate the memory of the moment when you hurt yourself.. This time, instead of criticizing yourself use the same words that you would use for your best friend. Words of trust and love. Listen to yourself. Tell yourself, I understand you, I love you, I trust in your potential to fix it. Mentally repeat after me - I love and trust myself, I love and trust myself, I love and trust myself. Bring your attention to your heart, visualize bliss, Sattva here in form of white light, inhaling surrender to this white light, exhaling visualize it filling your whole body. Inhale deeply, exhale and relax  completely. Gently rub your palms, cup your eyes with your palms, blink your eyes. Slowly open your eyes. Bring  your hands down. Inhale and relax.

How about those days when we can't even spare two minutes for ourselves? On such days take out one minute. We always have a minute. Close your eyes and tell yourself - No matter what happens today, I will be my best friend. Everything that I will say to myself will be kind, true and will add meaning to my well being. Let's do it. Close your eyes. Relax. Smile softly. Repeat after me - Today, I will be my best friend. No matter what they say, no matter what they do I will only say kind and truthful words to myself, words that uplift me and add value to my being.

Happy Practicing :)