Helping others and hurting themselves: Why smart people do dumb things?

- by Kirti Tarang Pande 
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Have you ever helped a friend choose a path of patience instead of anger? When a trigger of anger came in your life, what did you do?

If I ask you right now to put a star in a jar for each time you helped a friend gain emotional clarity, you will be floating in the stars. Then what happens when it comes to your own life; your own emotions?

Sense and Sensibility 

You guide your friends in making right diet choices, but how many times you cheat on your diet? You tell a friend to "move on" after the break up, then why despite knowing that relationship was toxic you cry over your break up? When someone hurts your friend you say, "Let it go, don't let it ruin your mood", then why is that when someone hurts you, you let it ruin your day? You  give good advice, then why don't you follow it yourself? Most of the time you know what to do, then why don't you do it?

Sometimes, it's our own mind that acts like an enemy and sometimes our emotions betray us by going rogue. So, what do we do? We try to control our mind. We try to manage our emotions. Don't we do this?We practice anger management. We practice stress management. Don't we? Then, what happens? It starts becoming our identity. Doesn't it? We start defining ourselves as someone who's struggling with anxiety, someone who's battling with depression, someone who's fighting with the thoughts. Is this what we want our life to be? A fight? A struggle? Won't it be wonderful if instead of a battleground our life becomes a field of love, an ocean of joy, in which we float effortlessly, dance happily? What if I tell you that it can happen? All we need to do is stop trying to control our mind, stop trying to manage our emotions. Controlling and managing has not given us the desired results, so it's time we change the process. This is what I want to discuss with you today, Yogic process. A yogic process of culturing our emotions not managing them, because when our emotions are cultured, our mind becomes our best friend.

Know Thyself 

For any Yogic process self reflection is an important  tool. In Yogic terminology we call it svadhyaya, meaning study of self (Sutra 2.1, Patanjali Yoga Sutram). Are you ready to do this with me? Are you ready to do a study- A study your own self?

Let's reflect on your life. Has it ever happened to you:

A friend or a loved one was sad, sulking in a corner, refusing to even eat, refusing to meet people; but you sneaked in. You sneaked in like a ray of sunshine. You managed to pull that friend out of the sulking corner, take the person out for a coffee or drinks or for a walk. And voila! Your friend felt better. There! What did you do? You initiated the process of healing in the friend.

Look around you. Look at the levels of stress, the toxic thoughts, how common are frowns today! In such a world, for one person, for one moment, you were a source of smiles!

It's nothing less than a superpower, you may not be a certified therapist, you may not be a counselor and yet you help your friends. You help your loved ones in healing.

In every situation, we have multiple options for our actions. Our actions are always a choice. The situation, other people, they may play a role but power of choice always lies with us. We always have options to choose from. Do you want to know what those options are?

The Tussle between Three Choices

Yoga follows Samkhya school of philosophy.  It says that in every situation, we always have three options: Tamas, Rajas and Sattva. I don't want to tire you with technicalities, I want this process to be enjoyable for you. So let me share a metaphor with you:

Imagine, there's oil in your palms. Your hands are sticky now. It's an unpleasant experience. Anything that you touch sticks to you, dirt, bacteria. It's an unhygienic experience. You can't eat with these hands. So, you try to clean them. You apply soap. Though soap is a cleansing agent, if you eat with soapy hands your stomach will pay the price. Therefore, you wash that soap with water. There's no longer oil, no longer soap, your hands are clean and pure. In Yogic culture oil, soap and water are metaphors. Oil is Tamas, Soap is Rajas and the Water is Sattva.

These are the three options that we have in every situation. Let's expand on this idea:

Tamas, Rajas and Sattva : What do you choose often?

Option 1 is Tamas means our inherent tendency for darkness. Our inherent tendency of inertia. For example, we are sad and we know just getting up, washing our face and going out for a walk and smelling flowers will create a shift in our mental  state and yet we stay in the bed and sulk. That's a tamasic option. Tamas means our inherent tendency of lethargy, we know that we should exercise and yet we don't because we feel too lazy to get on the mat. That's choosing our Tamasic option. Tamas means compulsion. You know you should sleep on time but you keep scrolling on your phone. That's choosing a Tamasic option. Tamas means stickiness. You are determined that tonight instead of Netflixing I will meditate. Then when the time comes, there's this cozy bed and TV in front of it and that habit of picking the remote and turning it on just sticks with you, so bye-bye meditation. Tamas means repression- someone or something made you angry and instead of expressing your feeling you swallowed it. You would eventually implode, but they would never know. That's Tamas.

Second option that we have is Rajas. Rajas means our inherent tendency for activity. Rajas is when instead of imploding we explode. When someone makes us angry, we choose to give that person a piece of our mind.

Third option is of Sattva. Sattva means our inherent tendency to be  blissful and act from that state. It means that you neither implode or explode. You transcend. When a situation arises, a situation that usually triggers difficult emotions, you neither repress nor act in a self destructive pattern, instead you transcend the situation. Can you visualize yourself doing it? Shall I help you with an example?

One of my clients once shared that she was emotionally lonely so she took my sessions, but her most valuable takeaway was that it has made her a better mother. She said that earlier her children would make her angry. Sometimes, she would even hit them. Then she would feel terrible about it for days. She would hate herself. “Now,” she said, “I don't beat my children. I don't get angry at them. Instead, I feel grateful to them that they are giving me a chance to be a more patient person.” 

Same situation, same kids, same lady, what changed? She realized that she has options. She realized that she and only she has the power to choose. So, she chose Sattva, she chose bliss. Instead connecting from her inherent tendency of Tamas or Rajas, she connected with her inherent tendency of Sattva. She started operating from a place of bliss. How did she do it?

How to make the right choice in every situation?

What you think happens in those situations? Take an example of a glass, the glass is happily perched on a table, minding its own business. A baby comes, and for no reason starts shaking the glass. What will happen then? The contents of the glass will spillover. Whatever was inside will spill out. If there was water, water would spill. If there was milk, milk would  spill and if the milk was hot...

When someone shakes you, when a situation shakes you, whatever is within you comes out. If there's Tamas, Tamas would come. If there's Rajas would come, if there's Sattva, if there's bliss, bliss will come out. Imagine, if there's nothing inside of you but Sattva/ bliss, irrespective of situations, irrespective of people, you will give nothing but bliss because you don't have anything else to offer. Remember Buddha and Angulimal?

You can do it too! Remember we discussed your super power. If you can help your friends gain emotional clarity why not yourself?

You too can start operating from a place of bliss, you will no longer have to bother yourself with the tedious and continuous task of controlling our mind, managing our emotions. Can you imagine that freedom!

Cultivating Sattva in us is the way to that freedom. Cultivating Sattva is the way  to become best friends with our mind. When we culture our emotions as Sattvic, we become best friends with our mind. This  is the only thing we need to do that will cultivate our entire spectrum of emotions ranging from something as innocent as I am bored or I don't feel like working out today to something as intense as depression. All we need is to cultivate Sattva and irrespective of the situation, irrespective of the people, we will always choose the option that adds value to our mental, emotional, physical and Social well-being.

How to culture our emotions and become best friends with our mind?

Do you want to know how to cultivate Sattva?

Would mind exploring a bit of Yogic philosophy for this? Thank you! 

In the Vedic Philosophy of yoga, there's a text called Taittiriya Upanishad. This text presents a 5- sheath model for an individual’s well being. It's called the Panchkosa model. Panch means 5 and kosa means sheath. You and I have 5 sheaths of existence. So, if we need to cultivate Sattva in an efficacious and sustainable way, we must do it on all the 5 levels. 

This is what we are going to do now, I am going to share with you 5 very easy, everyday things that will cultivate Sattva at each level. Remember that no practice is small or insignificant. Even the smallest of effort from your side will create a shift in your emotional culturing. So, each time do something from the list that I am going to share with you, acknowledge that, congratulate yourself, celebrate yourself. It will be a powerful reinforcement for a practice that's adding value to our well being. A reinforcement that you need to transform that practice into a habit.

So, are you ready?

5 Small practices that add significant value in emotional culturing :

1. The first kosa is Annamayakosa. Sheath of our physical existence i.e. our body. Anna is Sanskrit for matter or food, so Annamayakosa means a sheath that's made of food. So, if we want to make something that's made of food Sattvic, we need to make the food Sattvic. Isn't it? Now, I am not going to tell you what to eat. That choice must rest with your wisdom. I do have an input though on how to eat. I have taken this idea from Gita (17.8). To make the effect of everything that we eat Sattvic/ blissful, each time before you eat or drink anything, pause. Pause for 30 seconds and make that food or drink an agent of goodness, joy and fulfillment in your body. How do you make your food an agent of bliss in your body? Before you eat, pause for 30 seconds and cultivate a Sattvic, cultivate a blissful thought in your heart with feelings and emotions and infuse that thought in the food and water. It could be anything that resonates most with you: You could mentally say, “I have the super power of making right choices, I infuse this food or water with it”. “I infuse this with joy”, “I infuse this with bliss”, “I infuse this with healing”, “I infuse this with peace”. You can choose any blissful thought. In Yogic culture, the thought that's considered most potent for this purpose is: I surrender myself to the higher power. This food or drink is a potion to make the Higher power my charioteer in life like Krishna was to Arjun. What will you infuse your food with? Do let me know.
2. The second sheath is Pranamaya kosa. The sheath of our life energy. The air that we breathe is the carrier of prana, our life energy. Therefore, in this level, we are working on making our breath Sattvic. According to Manusmritin, another Yogic text, sandhya is a very powerful time for this. Sandhya means union. In a day, there are four points of union - sunrise where night meets day, noon, sunset and midnight. Swami Vivekananda suggests practicing 3 to 11 rounds of anulom vilom pranayam at all these four points. This is the best way to practice. Slightly, difficult at our level though. I bow to Swami Vivekananda for showing us the way, and seek his blessings as I modify this practice into something that's easy to be persistent with- Here's what I suggest, instead of four sandhya,  pick 2 or three: Sunrise, noon and sunset. Set an alarm for these. When the alarm goes off just take three deep breaths that's it. That's less than 30 seconds. For 3 deep breaths, visualize your breath rising from the Navel to the eyebrow centre and then falling from the eyebrow centre back to the  navel.

3. The next sheath is Manomaya kosa. The sheath of our mind. How to create a Sattvic mind? You can daily go for half an hour or solitary walk in nature. Leave your phone at home. Don't take a friend along. Let nature be your companion, spend half an hour smelling flowers, feeling grass under your feet, listening to the rustle of leaves and chirping of birds. You will experience a shift in your mind. (Srimad Bhagavatam 11.25.25). For days you have commitments or you're practicing social distancing, you can take out 10 minutes in the day for an alternate practice. Yes? Even on days of prior commitments, you can take out 10 minutes? Isn't it?  Sit in a quiet place where you won't be disturbed. Sit with a pen and paper. Make two columns. Column 1,  write what makes you feel klisht/unpleasant and column 2 for what makes you feel aklisht/not unpleasant (Patanjali Yoga Sutram 1.5). Now, start observing your mind whatever comes there, start putting it down in a box where it belongs. If a thought comes, how it makes you feel unpleasant or not unpleasant, put it in that column. An image, memory, idea, song whatever comes in the mind goes in its respective column. If nothing comes, check how it makes you feel and then put it in that column. Do this for 5 minutes. Congratulate yourself, you're halfway through. Now for the next 5 minutes meditate on how you can put the thoughts from unpleasant column to pleasant column. Yes? If you need help with it, I have written a blog post- Yogic Antidote for difficult emotions. You can check that out. It will give you the necessary tools for the job. Right now, I want to stay focused on today's session. Is that okay?

4. The fourth sheath is Vigyanmayakosa. The level of our intellect. If you want to be an entrepreneur, won't you read about people like Elon Musk to get inspired? If you want to be a tech leader won't you read on biography someone like Steve Jobs? If you want to be a thought leader won't you read on someone like Bill Gates or Stephen Hawkins? Then, if you want to be full of bliss, why not read about people who were full of bliss? That's the path Narad Bhakti Sutra (76 sutra) shows us.
   These days most of us have a habit of checking our phone as one of the first things that we do when we wake up. I will not ask you to change that habit. I will request that you use this habit to set the tone for blissful intellect here. We already have a habit of looking at our phone in the morning, let's use it for our benefit. Watch, listen or read something that creates blissful ideas in your head. Now, the internet is a tricky place to be. We can get lost here. So I suggest, downloading what you're going to read, watch or listen to at night itself. Every morning before my breakfast, I read something by Rumi. Rumi belongs to Sufi tradition. Sufism and Yoga are two different labels. In my opinion, that's exactly what they are, labels. In essence, I find Sufism and Rumi resonating with the Yogic philosophy. No matter how scandalous human behavior is, Rumi always finds beauty in it. That's the essence of yoga as well. That's the perspective I want for my day. So, I read Rumi. Rumi- The Book of Love, a translation by Coleman Barks, and that's my source of morning dose of intellectual bliss. I would recommend the same to you.

5. Now we have come to our last level. The level of pure bliss, anandmaya kosa. We don't have to do anything at this level. This level itself is pure bliss. All we have to do is to make a connection with this level of our existence. How to do this? You know the answer. By creating a habit of everyday meditation. Now, the biggest problem in cultivating this habit is two-fold. Firstly, we don't have time. Secondly, meditation is boring and frustrating for the beginners. Don't worry, we have a solution. On our YouTube channel, Home Yogis’ Home  we have posted some sleep meditations to take care of both these factors. You don't have to make extra time for meditating, just when you go to sleep plug-in those meditations and allow them to lull you away. Since, the meditations shared are based on  yog nidra, a technique of sleep hypnosis, boredom and frustration is taken care of. 

That's it. That's all you have to do. We need to make our mind our best friend. How to make our mind do that? We need to culture the emotions that it projects. How can we culture the emotions? By creating Sattva, the bliss, within. How to create Sattva, by doing one simple Sattvic activity for all the five levels of our existence.

If you have any questions regarding these activities that I shared. Or anything that we talked about, please free to write to me at homeyogishome@gmail.com 

If you want to have more sessions with us you can send ‘YES’ at homeyogishome@gmail.com and we will connect. At Home Yogis’ Home we provide Yogic counseling and Yoga therapy for Mental and emotional well-being online.

Thank you so much for allowing me to share Yogic ideas with you today. Looking forward to our next meeting.

Namaskar

Suggested Reading :
Yogic Antidotes for Difficult Emotions