Toxic Positivity: It’s Okay Not To Be Okay

It's fine when I feel fine. And, it's okay not to feel okay. 

 There are tons of memes, whatsapp messages and Instagram posts around power of positivity, body positivity and then I am also watching a pushback from people calling this too much of positivity as toxic and wondering who is actually benefiting from it- their mental health or the industry of Instagram influencers, self help gurus and motivational speakers built around the  power of positivity & body positivity? Because a recent Washington Post article quotes psychologists calling out excessive positivity during times of emotional hardships not only unhelpful but downright toxic. This raises four questions: 

1.  What is toxic positivity? 

2. Is our practice of toxic positivity hurting our friends?

3. Are we hurting ourselves and our self development? 

4. How can we address negative feelings without falling into toxic positivity?

That's what you and I are going to discuss today and we will discuss it from the point of view of yoga.

What is Toxic Positivity : 

"But look at bright sight", "Just focus on what you have", "It could be worse", The experts calling this forced positivity toxic. According to them, this trend of ‘good vibes only’ is Not only unhelpful but downright toxic. And no they are not negating the power of positivity, but saying that when our only coping mechanism to every situation is to put a positive spin on it and not to dwell on the negative that's toxic positivity. In yoga the definition is much simpler. Yoga says, anything that's compulsive is toxic and anything that's conscious is beneficial to us. So while yoga agrees with the power of positivity it also adds that we must know the difference being consciously or compulsively positive. Being compulsively positive is  like being too lazy to break free from a junk lifestyle and selling it as body positivity. Just that we are doing it to our minds. Worse, we are hurting our loved ones in the process.

Is our Toxic Positivity hurting our friends?

It takes courage to be vulnerable in front of someone, sharing our fear, failure and even shame and when a friend does that in front of us and our response is… But look at the bright side! Why don't you focus on the positive? But you have so much to be grateful for? Why don't you start a gratitude journal? When we say this to a friend who is struggling with negative emotions, we are invalidating their feelings. When we are saying “It's fine” or  “it will be fine”, we are shutting the possibility of any contemplation on the topic, we are not helping our friend in addressing  the problem, we are preventing our friend from working on their issues?

Are we hurting your mental health with our Toxic Positivity?

Why are we doing this? Because we do it to ourselves also. No, I am not talking about the times when we are genuinely positive and upbeat. I am talking about the times when we force ourselves to pretend that we are in an upbeat and positive mood when it's not there naturally. I am talking about times when there's a problem that legitimately needs to be addressed but doing so will lead to distress so we distract ourselves with positive memes or Instagram posts or listening to a motivational podcast. Instead of taking an action we fake an action. And it's not our fault because some entrepreneurs out there have created a culture which says that positivity is an attractive behavior. Smiling face is a pretty face. So we fake positivity to come across as a well adapted person. This doesn't solve our problem. There's a psychological research that people who compulsively deny, minimize or invalidate their negative feelings end up feeling worse than those who accept their emotional state.

So accept your emotions that's more effective way of coping with them. As Rumi says, “These pains that you feel are messages, listen to them.” 

How to deal with emotional hardships without falling in the trap of Toxic Positivity or Mental distress?

Now this acceptance could be tricky. What if we start wallowing that state and self pity, hello depression, OCD, anxiety…Or what if connecting with our pain or addressing our negative feeling is so stressful we don't want to deal with them? Then what to do? How to walk on the slippery slope of emotional acceptance? Yoga has the answer, it's one word - Samatvam. Cultivating even mindedness in such a way that it promotes an inward tranquility( Reference Gita & Ishvasya Upnishad). Imagine being in a situation which triggers stress or negativity in you, in that situation instead of forcing positivity upon ourself we genuinely operate from a state of even minded Ness and instead of feeling negative or forcing positivity we operate from a place of tranquility? Wouldn't that be wonderful? This will need practice, a practice that we need to do daily so that in the moment of negative emotion, in the moment when you need it, you have it- the tranquility of samatvam.. 

How to practice Samatvam?

How to practice this Samatvam, this even mindedness which promotes an inner tranquility?

If you want to cultivate this even mindedness the best way to that is to daily take some time out to evaluate your feelings? What are my triggers? What makes me feel positive and what makes me feel negative? And then attempt, it won't happen in day one, but keep trying to attempt to have an equal attitude of benevolence, of love, of compassion towards yourself in both the states, when you're feeling positive and when you're not so upbeat? Appreciate yourself for trying to attain Samatvam and end the practice by telling yourself- It's fine when I feel fine and it's okay not to be okay.